CHAPTER 1
LEARNING TO SELF-NURTURE:
BEGINNING A PROGRAM OF SELF-CARE
Filling Our Own Wells
Learning to self-nurture is not an easy task for many of us. In traditional societies throughout the world, it is believed that the more we give to others, the more we serve, the greater our rewards will be. The rewards, interestingly enough, are believed to be received later in life, or even in the next life. Women are often told, "Your time will come later," or "You will find your reward in Heaven" No one disputes that service to others is important. In fact, I do believe that our purpose here on Earth is to do just that-to serve-but not at the expense of ourselves and our physical, emotional or spiritual well-being. Serving out of a sense of duty, which can harbor anger and resentment, or serving from a place of depletion does no one any good. Even Mother Teresa, who was the epitome of goodness and service to others, states in her book, A Simple Path, that following the precepts of Saint Augustine is preferable. "Fill yourselves first and then only will you be able to give to others."
In communities of old, there was a centrally located well, where all townsfolk came to draw water, replenish themselves and gain sustenance for the day of work ahead. In my seminars for women, I enjoy using the metaphor that women are very much like wells. Everyone comes to us to "drink." From us, they receive sustenance, support and encouragement. If we have given birth, we may literally have them drink from our bodies through breast feeding. As women, we are supposed to know what everyone needs and provide it unconditionally, lovingly. The well must always be full for anyone who may stop by for a drink.
If we are not careful to personally replenish our own wells, we can dry up. The need for giving doesn't end. People still come to the well to drink, but there may be no water for them anymore. The well is depleted or at a low level, at best. Our loved ones, friends, co-workers, neighbors cannot drink from an empty well. We have two choices of how to begin to fill our own wells so we can continue to nurture others without self-neglect.
First, we can let others know what we need for self-nourishment and replenishment. Do your loved ones truly know what you need to be able to relax? Do they know what things and activities cause your spirit to soar? Have you told them, or do you hope they will know by osmosis? A better question might be, do you know what you personally need right now to feel less stress and more meaning in your life? Many women I have worked with are not sure anymore. They have been on the fast track for so long, they have forgotten what it will take and how it will feel to be relaxed and peaceful. Or the dreams once held for a deeper, more meaningful existence loom too far out on the horizon to be reached for anymore. It is important that you take the time to do some self-assessing to find out what you want or need and then create the opportunity to communicate your wants and needs with those around you.
The second choice is to immediately take steps to fill your own well and begin self-nurturing activities with or without the support of others. This is sometimes difficult because we keep hoping and waiting for others to see our signs of burnout or stress and take steps to nurture us, as we would do for them. Unless you have a very open, supportive and communicative network of people around you, it is probably not going to happen. You will need to seize the day and begin to do so for yourself. If you are feeling angry or resentful that others can't nurture you the way you want to be nurtured, my advice is to let it go. It will serve no positive purpose to stew over it. Harness all that wonderful energy and put it to good use on YOU! Begin today to take the necessary steps to treat yourself like the majestic creature you are!
CHAPTER 4
Giving the Mind Bread
What are you filling your mind with each day? Given choices, do you:
- read a good book or choose a supermarket tabloid?
- listen to music or to sensationalistic talk radio?
- watch public television or soap operas?
Which of these activities gives your mind bread and allows it to grow? When we expose our mind to enriching, empowering activities, it can do nothing but grow.
We will need to make choices about the quality of the food we give our mind. Here I am referring to a value judgment and this is where people don't always agree. For example, if you have the opportunity to go out for an evening and see a movie, what will you choose? What input do you want to give your brain? How do you want to feel when the movie is over? Will you choose a film which portrays violence, anger and a victim mentality, or one which personifies hope, laughter or joy?
In the spirit of self-nurturing, I suggest input activities which nourish your mind and spirit. Years ago, I made the conscious decision to change my mind-filling time and activities. I had to look at how I was utilizing my time. I also began to look at some emerging patterns of what I was currently doing and how it was making me feel. Like many Americans, I would begin my day with a cup of coffee and the morning news. News is primarily negative in nature - we all know this. In fact, the USA Today did a survey, collecting samples of all the news reported through all mediums (radio, print, television). They found that 95% of what is reported to the public is negative. This is no big surprise to any of us. Is our mind affected by this bombardment of our senses with negative words and images? Absolutely! This is the negative input I spoke of earlier. Negative stimuli (experiences) can create negative thoughts, feelings and actions. When we eliminate the negative experience, we create more room for the positive to come into our life.
In this process of learning to self-nurture, I eliminated many things which I perceived as negative or non-beneficial to my growth. For example, I eliminated most television-watching. As I fine-tuned my day and began to fill it with self-nurturing activities, I discovered that television-watching occupied a significant amount of time that could be better spent doing good things for me. Given the option, I substituted reading time for television time. I occasionally still watch television, but I choose carefully what I watch. I prefer to watch programs that sustain and nourish me, that make me feel good when they are over or help me to learn something new. Public television or the travel channel or any number of growth-oriented programs are available, once you seek them out. To me, mindless television-watching was a waste of my precious time. In keeping with this mode of self-nurturing, I also changed my reading, listening and film-watching habits. Moving away from violent, negative-themed mediums helped tremendously. I saw and felt an immediate shift when I chose to be very discriminating about movies, books and music. I had more energy, felt more enthusiastic and empowered.
Given a choice, why would we select to surround ourselves with negativity unless we truly enjoy feeling bad? It will again take time and attention on your part to courageously choose what will enable you to become your best self. The choices may be difficult and not understood or well received by others. Only you know what stimuli and experiences nurture you and which ones make you depressed, unambitious or unhealthy. Make the positive choice to give your mind bread - and while you are at it, choose whole wheat over white!
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