Weathering the Storm Together
By Brad Lundy and Jan Deremo Forrest
Originally published in Healing Garden Journal, February 2003

“Discontent is the seed of change, so when you encounter it in yourself, don’t be disheartened. It’s an announcement from you to yourself, that things as they are aren’t good enough for you, that you deserve better, that you intend to instigate a change.
– Daphne Rose Kingma, A Garland of Love

Jan: Every couple finds themselves in times of turbulence, at least once in a while, no matter how ‘enlightened’ they may be. No relationship, at least at this stage of our evolution, is without trying times, because after all, we are still operating with a human ego system. As we grow in spirit, these times can be less emotionally turbulent, but doing so requires that we take a look at how we handle times of turmoil, anger or frustration. Up until now, we have let our egos dominate our relationships. If we want to sail more smoothly through life, we need to let our egos loosen their grip on us and weather the storms differently.

Brad: I really appreciate the metaphor of “weathering the storm.” A storm in nature brings with it the gift of stirring things up. Things get shaken up, rearranged, and when we are in the middle of it, it can feel pretty scary. A relationship storm is like that. It is nothing more than our divine self coming in to say, “I am going to stir all of this up—this is the perfect opportunity for both of you to look at things you might not want to.” As human beings, we want things to stay the same; the things we are afraid of or think we can’t handle are better covered up or ignored. It usually takes an emotional storm for us to have things stirred up enough to force us to look at what is not working or how our ego has a hold on us. It is the opportunity to disconnect from all that holds us back. The storm shakes up our comfortable life for one of new, uncharted territory.

Jan: The storm is also the perfect time to remember that our partner is a spirit, just as we are. They are not the enemy. They are our beloved, and the fact that we are having a difficult time together can be kept in perspective when we view each other through that lens—the person I am having a disagreement with is the person I love. We are spirits simply experiencing a storm that will take us to better places in our relationship.

Brad: Where we get into trouble is when we lose this perspective and allow our ego to take over. It shouts at us, “You two can’t make it,” or “Run!” and we inevitably find ourselves tempted to go off in different directions. This is the perfect time for us to remind ourselves that any argument is simply a stirring up of emotions which loosens and uncovers what needs to be released or healed. Our egos would say, “You two are all wrong for each other,” but our spirits would say, “You two are in love. This is just me shaking things up a bit so you can see more clearly, so you can stop behaving this way over and over again.”

Even when our faces are distorted in anger, when spit is flying and we are wildly upset, we are still dealing with the person we love. We can remind ourselves not to perpetuate the storm. We can try to remember the higher purpose at work here. We can watch our ego act out, trying to make the other person wrong. It is important to try and operate from a point of balance when we are in the middle of the storm, as difficult as that might be. If we repress the argument (and refuse to go there), all we are doing is energizing our ego which wants to stop it because it feels uncomfortable. If we go to the extreme, fighting for days, holding grudges and so on, we are also energizing our ego and giving it control. The idea is to stay in it long enough to get the lessons. Stand in it. Spend as much time with it as necessary (following our intuition/inner guidance system), ever mindful, trusting that Spirit is in charge here, taking us exactly where we need to go.

Jan: I am reminded of a time after one of our disagreements, Brad, that you said, “Boy, that was good practice.” You explained that such an argument allowed us to practice our worst sides. We truly got to see how out of control our egos could be, how crafty they were. Afterwards, when we were in a space of being able to look at how we acted, we were able to see how strongly our egos were programmed. We each had a unique opportunity to see our “stuff” and just how badly we could act.

Brad: And that is another important point, Jan. Remember the song lyrics, “It takes two, baby”? In every difficult encounter, BOTH parties are asked to look at themselves and see what is there ready to be healed. We are in relationship because no matter what the situation is, it is always about the both of us. Each one of us has a point of view, a way of operating that can be looked at, whether it is proactive or reactive. We can each ask ourselves, “What did I do to contribute to the storm?” When we focus only on the other person, their perceived faults, what they did or did not do, then we are shortchanging ourselves and the relationship. Be responsible! Don’t try to fault the other person or remake them. If we are honest, we have more than enough stuff within ourselves to deal with. Our ego will try its hardest to cheat us out of our own growth, blocking anything that might look like freedom or change, by making the other person wrong.

Jan: And let’s not forget the calm after the storm, Brad . The calm always comes, without fail, and it is where we witness the gifts Spirit is laying out for us. Through the storm we actually grow, can come together, and learn to operate (vibrate) on a higher level. If we are listening, we will be able to discern the miracles that come after the storm. If we run, walk away, or allow our egos to dominate us, we lose out on the marvels that await.

As you mature together as a couple, you will see the patterns in your storms. With this recognition, in time, there will be fewer intense storms because you will be aware of how each of you gets your buttons pushed, and you can do something about it before it escalates. With time and practice, there is an incredible bond which can develop between the two of you. Despite an occasional skirmish, there is great comfort in knowing that you have been perfectly partnered to free each other from your ego wiring. What can result is renewal, joy, peace and deeper intimacy. Even romance can be restored because you are growing in love and trust together. The key is weathering the storms—TOGETHER.

With great love and joy,

Brad and Jan

Weathering the Storm—Together Part II
By Brad Lundy and Jan Deremo Forrest
Originally published in Healing Garden Journal, March 2003

"Even as love ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall Love descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth."
~Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

Last evening, as we sat in a cozy circle, surrounded by couples seeking to explore Enlightened Loving, we were reminded once again of the challenges to be found in intimate relationships. Our guests told us that our most recent article (February 2003 issue), “Weathering the Storm—Together” was so helpful to them when times got rough, but that they needed more—an answer to their question of: “What do I do when my partner dives into his/her ego and spins out of control?” So, in honoring their request, we thought that we would continue on with more of how to weather relationship storms.

Brad: For me, the main ingredient is to remain centered in my Spirit and to see the situation for what it really is. When one partner swerves out of control, “abducted by their ego,” (caught up in fear, anger or other strong emotion that can result in conflict), there is an image that comes to mind. It is of a toddler having a tantrum. A toddler who cannot speak or communicate exactly what they want in that moment in time will often act like they are out of control. When our ego grabs us, we are very much like that toddler. We might not even know what is happening in our emotional system. We might not have the tools to communicate what is going on inside of us. Our partner, however, may be very aware that we are spinning out of control or that we are unable to grab onto ourselves and stop the spinning.

Jan: That is the exact moment in time when it is so important to remember that this is your beloved having an “ego moment.” Continue to see their spirit, open your heart to them and allow the compassion to flow out. If we can maintain our own sacred center and see beyond the tantrum, we can transform a potentially difficult situation into a learning situation. For that is exactly what is happening. When one of our egos spins out of control I even find myself saying, “Here we go again. We’re back in class with another opportunity to grow.” That keeps the scene in perspective knowing that there is a higher purpose in all of it.

Brad: The therapeutic model tells us that when someone “loses it” or “acts out” there are very specific behaviors one can engage in to stop the problem. Enlightened Loving principles say, toss out the rules and channel it. Operate from your heart. Listen to your inner guidance system. It will naturally tell you what your response can be. When we get caught up in, “When he does this, I should do this,” we limit our heartfelt responses. We are still in our heads. If I can find the calmness within, connect with my sacred center, and drop down into my heart, I can be all that I need to be for my partner. Every situation will bring a different response. Maybe one time you will throw your arms around your partner and embrace them. Another time you may walk away in silence, giving your partner the space they need to reconnect with their own sacred center. Whatever your heart guides you to do in the moment is what is best for you.

Jan: When my ego spins out of control, one of the responses you offer me that I really appreciate, Brad, is when you say to me, “It looks like you are feeling really bad. How can I help?” or “Is there anything I can do for you?” This response doesn’t mean you are going to fix me or make things better. It just tells me that you are aware that I am having difficulty and that you are available to be my partner through the storm. I sense that you love me despite my tantrum. So maybe what I need in that situation is your touch, or maybe next time, it’s to be left alone or maybe it’s even to vent.

Brad: Yes. Actually what is going on inside of me at that moment is that I am asking myself a question: “What do I want right now and what would I want for my partner?” I hold my center and remember that I always want love, passion and compassion for both of us. I tap into my intuition (staying out of my head and what I “should” do) and drop down into “What would Love do?” I try and stay connected to my Spirit. If I can do that, the resonance of the vibration can move from me to you and you can begin to feel it also—reconnecting with your Spirit (feeling the Love) and moving away from ego. There truly is no manual for this way of operating, no tried and true “rules of order”—we must go where Spirit leads, confident that what unfolds (even if it does result in an argument) is what we are intended to experience. I trust myself and I trust our relationship that we will go where we need to go to continue to move toward a higher version of ourselves.

I would like to point out here how we can tell the difference between the various messages of action that might come to us, whether it is intellectual guidance or heart guidance. Guidance from our head conjures up the ego, can feel like “tough love,” boundary setting, rule making, agitation, acceleration of strong emotions. Spirit-based heart guidance feels like calmness. In the space of our truth, calmness is found. It can also feel like a sense of excitement that we are experiencing something new and different. It is characterized by compassion and the feeling of love is still present, despite what is going on externally. It is important to always look for the calmness for that is where Spirit can be found. Tap into that and you are on your way.

Jan: And the key is just to keep practicing this, isn’t it? Just keep practicing being Spirit with one another. Another important key is to allow our partner to go where they need to go to learn their lesson. By jumping intellectually (or therapeutically) into what can I do right now for my partner to change this situation, we can cheat the person out of their experience. Maybe I need to experience what it feels like to be caught up in absolute rage so I can recognize that part of myself, and next time, choose again, choose differently. Maybe I need to feel truly sad or depressed so that when it arises next time I will recognize how that hooks me or pulls me in, and I can choose differently. Let’s never forget that this is always about our growth and that there are always gifts on the other side of any encounter just waiting to be savored: new awareness, new levels of compassion, and renewed passion for one another.

Brad: I continue to love the analogy of sailing to illustrate this process. We are each learning to be the captain of our own ship. When we first learn to sail, we overcorrect, make rash decisions that may even capsize our vessel, or cause us to crash into rocky terrain. As we become more seasoned sailors, we learn to listen to our intuition which guides us in how to read the waves, listen to the wind, watch the clouds and adjust the sails. The storms that come are where we practice. We learn to navigate through every one differently. With each encounter we try to steer to the best of our ability, trusting that we will arrive safely back on shore in the arms of our beloved. It just takes practice and plenty of compassion for ourselves and our partner. Sail on!

With great love and joy,

Brad and Jan