Loving Your Ego Self
by Jan Deremo Lundy and Brad Lundy
Originally published in Healing Garden Journal, May 2001

In the April issue, we dedicated our Enlightened Loving column to the understanding of ourselves as Spirit, as divine players in this drama we call “life.” What seems to be a natural progression is to flow into a discussion of what role our ego plays in all of this. If we are divine creatures, walking the earth in human form, what is this ego part of ourselves and how does it fit into our spiritual framework?

Jan: In many psychological and religious traditions it seems that we have developed a huge dislike for our ego. We often label it as something ‘bad,’ something to be annihilated or sublimated so that ‘higher’ parts of ourselves may emerge. Our ego often rages out of control, a maniacal force to be reckoned with. What if we could shift our perception of how we viewed our ego? What if we could understand it to be one of the most powerful tools we have been given to deeply explore and grow into our spiritual nature?

When we are in relationship, this is particularly evident. If we are mindful, conscious of how we are thinking and feeling, our ego can take us to a higher road. For example, when we are in conversation ( Brad and I) and some statement is made which evokes a strong emotion within myself (pushes my buttons, so to speak), it is up to me to take a look at that. As a partner in a conscious relationship, this reaction of my ego is a call to action to look at what is going on inside of ME, not necessarily my partner. Being in relationship is being in relationship with myself as well. Most recently, I can think of a time when Brad and I were working out some details with the magazine and he made a request of me to do something differently next time. It was a mild, harmless request, but the bristles on my back went up. My ego was reacting. What to do?

My ego would love to get irritated at him, criticize him, and some way, throw the burden of blame for my feelings upon his shoulders. If I am living consciously, I would stop, take a moment and ask myself, “What is this feeling and what does it say about ME?” Maybe a period of reflection would bring me to the ego thought that I don’t like criticism, even constructive criticism. On a deeper level it might speak to me of insecurity or self-esteem issues. With further exploration, hopefully, I would come to the source of my ego-irritation, learn from it, and release it.

Brad: In this way, our ego can serve as a beacon. A beacon of light, guiding us through the inner journey of higher awareness, putting us in touch with the highest version of ourselves we can be. The ego and its emotional reactions can be the greatest teacher. It stands directly in front of us offering us a lesson in the school of life. It seems to call to us, encouraging us to take a trip deeper inside of ourselves. When I experience this it literally seems like my ego is standing there, like a teacher in front of the classroom waving a roadmap saying, “Are you ready to take a trip?” The choice is mine of where I want to go with this. I can answer the call or ignore it.

If I ignore it, I can guarantee that the ego-lesson will surface again sometime, sooner or later. Often we run away from it, from these feelings that surface, because they don’t feel very good in that moment or we are afraid where they might take us. If we can begin to understand, our ego is trying to take us to a place where great gifts abound. If we can truly accept that the ego is Spirit’s way of sending the assignment we need to move to the next place in our growth, then we can accept this invitation rather than run from it.

Jan: To me, the hardest part is standing in that place of uncertainty, that place of unknowing of where I am going to be led. Trust is in order here, more than anything else. Trust that I am going to be delivered to the next highest version of me. Trust that I am going to be rewarded for ‘doing the work’ with an enormous gift. The waiting is the hard part. Standing in the center of a whirlwind of emotions is not an easy thing, but my experience now tells me, that I, as my spirit self, am totally capable of withstanding and maneuvering through any emotion, discomfort or pain created by my ego. Why? Because it is not ME! The fear of standing in the middle is my ego speaking once again. My spirit self says, “You can do this. You can walk through fear, pain, whatever your wounded human self might dish out, because that is not really you.” It is when we identify so heavily with our ego, when we forget our divine origin, that we can dive deeply into what feels like the dark, fathomless abyss of life. If we can continue to see our ego as a tool, a beacon pointing us to the light, we will always find our way.

Brad: It is arriving at a place of non-judgment. If in the midst of an ego lesson, we can hold our own center, maintain our groundedness and believe in the depth of our being that this is just an experience, then we can move to higher terrain. We can literally say to ourselves, “I am not my ego. I refuse to live in an ego-dominated world. I am spirit and I am just experiencing my ego. It is not ME.” It is getting to the place of non-judgment, a knowing within ourselves that these are just feelings I am experiencing—they are not me. They are not the spirit I know myself to be.

Like you said, Jan, it is residing in the unknown, waiting for the lesson to appear; that is the hard part. We are an immediate gratification society. We expect a fast resolution. We want healing now, miracles now. Yet, waiting is part of the lesson. When I first began to understand this process, it seemed that standing in the waiting place could take days. With time, attention and learning to love the experience, now it may take only hours or minutes to arrive at the other side, the place where relief and insights come. The place where the gift is handed over. And what great gifts they are: peace, joy, total contentment. The blessings are numerous and generous.

Jan: The magic also comes when we are able to pay attention to the ego-beacon in relationship with another. Instead of being frightened by the process and running away, we can support one another on this leg of the journey. We can sit with one another in the waiting place. We can comfort and hold one another as we wait for the miracles to come. How often have you said to me when I felt a ‘dive into my ego’ coming, strong emotions overtaking me, “I am here. I am holding you as your spirit self in my heart and envisioning all that you can be.”

There is a marvelous result that comes when a partner is able to do this work with you. Initially, because we love and deeply care for one other we want to take the pain away, to “fix” the person and make them well. Instead, if we can just hold the space for their healing, literally and figuratively, both partners are witness to the miracles which burst forth. This has been referred to as “making the space for grace.” (Gerald May, Addiction and Grace)

Brad: And so it seems that the ego has a dual purpose: it allows us to experience what it is not to be God or Spirit (through the torrent of emotions we feel), and at the same time, gives us the opportunity to open the door to our godself. We need to know the full array of human emotions to feel how we are not God. Therefore, the ego can be our greatest ally on our journey to wholeness.

We can do this on our own very well, but the outcome can be greatly enriched when we learn to dance with our egoself in conscious partnership. As a couple experiencing this divinely orchestrated waltz, we can help one another with the steps. Instead of aggressively maneuvering around or away from the issues which arise, a loving partnership can support the process, gently holding one another in divine arms, creating a godspace for each one to merge into. In doing so, we come together to serve one another and each other’s growth toward God.

With great love and blessings,
Brad & Jan

Homework:
Take a moment and reflect uponhow your ego is trying to teach you about yourself. What strong emotions has it been invoking in you lately? What lessons do you think your ego might be offering you?

Recommended Reading:
If the Buddha Dated: A Handbook for Finding Love on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D., we believe should be read from cover to cover. An amazing book!