Looking for Love in All the RIGHT Places
Originally published in Women's LifeStyle, February 2004

“We are on safe ground when we blend our desire for a partner with our desire to know ourselves and be fully awake.” — Charlotte Kasl, PhD

Everywhere I look it seems people are looking for love. From reality based television shows like “The Bachelor” (or “The Bachelorette”) to the newest online dating service, it seems that many of us are actively searching for the partner of our dreams. We long for the perfect relationship, where all of our needs—body, mind and spirit—are not only met, but nourished. Where do we look for such love?

One wintry evening a few weeks back, I had the privilege of sitting with five single women who had gathered to learn the answer to this very question. Ranging in age from 25-55, each one had a burning desire to find “Mr. Right,” and they had, in their estimation, looked near and far, but their elusive dream man was nowhere to be found.

So, we began by filling out a ‘Wish List.’ I asked them to write down all of the attributes that their perfect partner should have. Scribbling without hesitation, their lists were completed in a flash. These women seemed to know just who and what they wanted!

As they shared their inventory, they began to notice that their Wish Lists were rather rigorous. These men really had to have their “stuff” together to enter into a relationship with any of them. I called attention to that notion. “Each of you seems to expect a lot from a partner.” Heads nodded in agreement. “Well, I am just wondering, “ I continued, “if YOU possess all of the attributes on this list yourself. Are you an ideal partner?”

I was greeted with silence. As each woman looked sheepishly to the next, there were murmurs of “Well, sort of...” One woman in her mid-thirties spoke candidly: “I know I have some of these qualities, but certainly not all of them. In fact, when I look at this list, I guess I’d say I have a lot of work yet to do on myself.”

Through a bit more sharing, our little circle of women looking for love realized that they couldn’t expect the perfect partner to show up when they were not an ideal partner themselves. If they were looking for a great love relationship to complete their life and make them feel happy, then they were looking for love for all the wrong reasons. When we long for love out of our own dissatisfaction with our lives or ourselves, then we come to the arena of love very needy. We hope that our partner will fill us up and make our days meaningful. Just like the country western song of the same title, we are looking for love in all the wrong places when we look for and expect it to come from other people outside of ourselves.

Love begins with looking at ourselves first and loving the totality of who we are. If we don’t like certain aspects of ourselves very much, we must begin there. That may mean coming to terms with our “shadow side”—those parts of us that may not be likable or whole. Those parts of us that still may be wounded from childhood or continue to carry hurt from previous love relationships. Laying the foundation for love begins with doing the work of self. We’re not talking about achieving perfection so that you are the most desirable woman on the planet. We’re talking about making good friends with yourself so that others are naturally and magnetically drawn to you because you are confident, happy and whole.

In order to receive love from others, we must be able to give and embody love ourselves. That process begins when we can fill our own well—when we can be our own best partner, meeting our intimate needs instead of hoping someone else will do so for us. My friend, Beth, is a good example of that.

Beth had been single for a good long while and was getting very discouraged about ever finding the right partner. She wanted a man in her life so badly! She asked my advice. I told her to stop searching. I urged her to stop looking outside of herself for love and, instead, take time for her. To focus her attention on how she could grow herself; to explore what she could do to fill her own emotional needs; to nurture and care deeply for herself. Then when the time was right and the Universe deemed her ready, I assured her love could show up.

One year later, an oversized envelope from Beth found its way to my mailbox. Inside was a wedding invitation and a lovely handwritten note. Here is what she wrote: “I didn’t want to believe it when you told me that love would be mine when I stopped looking for it and learned to love myself. Today, I can say that is true! I quit dating men and started dating myself. I learned to take really good care of myself. I journaled. I started exercising. I got to know myself all over again. And then, guess what? Out of the blue, my very best friend, Barry, from junior high school (whom I hadn’t heard from in over 20 years) looked me up on the internet. We started to chat on email and then decided to meet again. The moment we laid eyes on each other, we knew we were headed for love. We’re getting married in June and we want you to come to the wedding. I now know that because I let go of my need to be in a relationship, love showed up for me.”

This, I believe, is how love works. When we come to the banquet of life and show up with our ‘whole self,’ then the feast can begin. As we look for love in all the right places—those deep inner spaces within us—then, and only then, can true love grace our life.

Recommended Reading:
Finding True Love by Daphne Rose Kingma
If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.

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