Journeys in Enlightened Loving: Independence Day!
by Brad Lundy and Jan Deremo Lundy
Originally published in Healing Garden Journal, July 2003

Jan: With the month of July come thoughts of freedom. Usually we think of our citizenship and how personal freedom is an important part of that. But as spiritual beings having a human experience, our thoughts can also go to the freedom, or lack of, that we bring into our lives and the lives of our partners. Deep down inside, most of us want a meaningful, intimate relationship with another. We desire that relationship to be characterized by love, honor and personal freedom to be who we really desire to be. No one wants to be in a relationship that is ego dominated where one partner tries to control another — where there is no personal freedom. Yet, when we move into partnership, often our egos dominate, our insecurities rear their heads and, before we know it, we are finding ourselves in “relationship prison” (a prison of our own making, I might add).

Brad: Yes, that happens when we come into relationship carrying the belief that by being with another, we will complete ourselves. We will finally feel “full” and happy. We hold a picture that this other person will validate us. We also hold the expectation that, once a partnership is formed, the other person will be like us — hold the same values, want to do the same things, that we’ll want to do everything together. And when that doesn’t happen we get very disappointed. The expectations build and grow, resentments form, miscommunication patterns develop and before we know it, both people are quite unhappy, moving further apart instead of closer like our heart’s desire.

Jan: All of this seems to unfold because we are actually incomplete in our sense of self. We are not living from our own fullness. Instead of spending time and energy looking within to see what’s up, we go outside of ourselves and fill our empty places with other people and things. When we have done the work of self-discovery, we are content and happy in who we are. We enjoy being with ourselves and allow others to be happy in themselves. In this scenario, we enter into a relationship feeling good about who we are and our life choices. Because we are full enough in ourselves, we have no need to ask another to be or act a certain way. There is no need to expect things from another and the need to control them is absent.

Brad: Exactly. When we are insecure in who we are, our ego works very hard to get others to do what we want so we can get what we think we need to be happy. What Spirit is asking of us, instead of looking at others to give us what we need to be happy, is to take inventory and determine how we can create our own happiness. When we are truly connected with our Spirit-self, there is no sense of lack and we just “are” happy and peaceful.

Jan: I think an illustration might be helpful here, Brad . Let’s take a couple who has been married for quite a while. Every Saturday morning, the man heads out to the nearest trout stream with his fishing gear. In the meantime, his wife, irritated by his abandonment (after all it is Saturday and they “should” be doing things together), sits at their breakfast table, drinking coffee and stewing in juices of resentment. Her husband is out doing something he enjoys very much: communing with nature, experiencing peace of mind in the gentle silence and feeling very connected with his Source. He is in his Spirit-self, just being in the beauty of the present moment. Her irritation grows the longer he is gone, and by the time he returns, she is in a full blown tizzy because of his “neglect.” She has wasted her day waiting for him, hoping he will return so they can do something together.

Brad: If this woman was not caught up in her ego need to be fulfilled by someone else, she could have been spending a wonderful day with her Spirit-self doing what nurtures her. There is no freedom in this scenario. She has locked herself up in a prison of bitterness and she has also become her husband’s jailer. He is not free to be who he desires to be. We all know what the rest of their day is going to look like once he walks back through the door.

The Enlightened Loving model for this couple would be that in their own individual fullness, they would find great joy in one another. If the woman was operating in her fullness, she would be thrilled that her partner was doing something that gave him so much pleasure. She would send him off in the morning with a sense of celebration that he was spending some time connecting with his Spirit-self. In that environment of freedom (and unconditional support and love), the relationship will flourish. He will most likely be excited to come back home and share his joys with her about how his day went and eagerly want to know about hers. In their fullness, they will probably want to spend even more time together, which can only deepen their intimacy.

Jan: What it comes down to is when we are in our Spirit-selves, experiencing our fullness, we become a magnet for others. People naturally want to be around us. When we are full of expectations (and the resentments that result because our expectations have not been met), our energy actually repels others. We have no desire to spend time with someone who is going to remind us again and again that we are not being what they want us to be. Everyone desires freedom and we love to be around people who allow us to have ours. With freedom, love can flourish.

Brad: What is also interesting is that many individuals, in the name of spiritual growth, will speak this, but not truly walk it. We say that we honor someone, we “allow them to be who they are.” In actuality, underneath all that jargon, is an ego that is worried sick that by giving another person their freedom, they will lose their partner. Or, despite the lip service, there is still resentment under the surface that their partner is out enjoying themselves and they are not included. If we are truly operating as our Spirit-selves, there is not one thought of resentment or insecurity. Instead, we are full of joy about our partner’s experiences and delight in sharing them.

Jan: In honor of Independence Day, we might be well served to take a few moments with ourselves and assess our ability to allow others to be free in who they are. If there are any twinges of doubt or worry about our partner’s freedom, then that is a good sign that our ego is still present and feeling insecure. We have not come to our own fullness yet. If we are not free of the ego ties that bind, how can we provide others with an atmosphere of freedom to be who they truly are? Everyone longs for freedom and it starts inside each of us. May your Independence Day be the beginning of a new road to freedom for you and your partner!