Journeys in Enlightened Loving :
Illuminating Our Fears through Understanding Our Ego System
By Brad Lundy and Jan Deremo Forrest
Originally published in Healing Garden Journal, August 2002

Having chosen love doesn’t mean you will never fear again. In fact, it means many of your fears will come up to finally be healed. This is an ongoing process. Remember that you will become fearful after you’ve chosen love, just as we become hungry after we eat. We must continually choose love in order to nourish our souls and drive away fear, just as we eat to nourish our bodies and drive away hunger.”

From Life Lessons by Elisabeth Kübler Ross and David Kessler

Jan: As many of our regular readers know, each month when it comes time for us to write this column, we go into meditation and ask Spirit what it has in mind for us. We also take some time and consciously reflect on what personal challenges we have had of late that test our ability to live as Spirit rather than ego. The message that prevailed this month was F.E.A.R.: False Evidence Appearing Real.

Brad: On numerous occasions, we find ourselves in a reality that is uncomfortable. We feel lonely or depressed, jealous or angry, or any other number of emotions. Once engaged, these emotions launch us into a state of being that may play itself out in many ways, and in some cases, radically shift our life as we know it. Think of an angry feeling, and how once we plug into it, it escalates and a “scene” can be caused: road rage that results in an accident; a shouting match that becomes a fist fight; verbal sparring that damages a relationship.

In these situations, the ego is only doing what it does best—shining light on a part of ourselves that needs healing. What if we could see these emotions that emerge as simply our ego calling out, signaling that something is brewing inside of us and that something is about to happen? Not necessarily something happening in the physical world (though that can happen to), but in our inner world. Something needs attention, and our ego creates feelings to help us notice that.

Jan: It seems as if each of us is constantly experiencing our issues being brought up. We are always having our buttons pushed. There is no relief from this. Even good therapy cannot even stop this from happening. It does not mean there is something necessarily wrong with us. It is simply the ego bringing forth our issues for attention, and as long as we are human, there is nothing we can do to stop it. And as long as we are in relationship with others, it will always happen as well. Our worst fears are consistently being given an opportunity to present themselves, and that is truly the beauty of the ego system: It is a Spirit created mechanism to get us to look at what is going on inside of us (not someone else). Therefore, on a certain level, fear would be a tool that the ego would use to get our attention.

Brad: Exactly. What is very exciting for me is when we can begin to detach from that ego mechanism, not let it run us, and see it for what it really is. It is a system of operation And this is very important: The issue is not the problem. The fear of being alone, of being penniless, of being unloved is not the problem. Issues will always be there. They will vary back and forth, and when this happens, the ego gets to do its thing. It is useful and productive. Crisis-creating is what egos do best. And in that, the ego is a brilliant part of Spirit that allows us to experience all of us—our humanity and our divinity, all at the same time.

Jan: So what you are saying is that if we can see the ego system for what it is, simply a pattern that we engage in to experience everything (good and bad feelings, experiences, and so on) that we could certainly relax about our lives a bit.

Brad: Yes, and even more. If you take it out a bit, you would then see that the ego is a true part of us - not to be avoided or annihilated, but simply recognized for what it is. Then our lives would play out so differently. If we can name it as a system, a way of operating, and pay attention to it from an “observer” point of view, then we could unplug from the emotional roller coaster we often find ourselves on. We can disconnect from the particulars of the process (“You left me alone;” “I am angry;” “You hurt me.”) and see it for it’s unique role in our lives. It is a great opportunity to look at how we as humans operate. Understanding something changes your perception of it. As long as we point the finger at others, wallow in our own emotions that come up, we remain stuck and at the mercy of our ego.

Jan: What strikes me is how fear plays a huge role here. The various fears brought up by our egos may not even be real. That is where the “False Evidence Appearing Real” occurs. Instead of recognizing our ego engagement as a process, we can buy into it wholeheartedly and it can create a new false reality - one that can be extremely damaging.

I had a newlywed friend recently who was sure her husband was losing interest in her. He had become quiet, rather distant and their love making was becoming less frequent. She was sure she was “losing him.” Her fear of being alone or losing the person she loved, reared its head and began to frame her version of reality. Everything he did seemed to reinforce her belief that the relationship was failing. She began to do what we call “stacking,” building the evidence to support an idea or validate a feeling of hers. As a result, she became distant from her husband—stopped cuddling and kissing him—stopped communicating. Their distance grew, and before they knew it, they were worlds apart in a very short period of time.

In reality, her husband was feeling a great deal of love for her, but was dealing with other emotions and business items that overwhelmed him, and he could not connect with her. He felt her becoming distant too, which only escalated the situation. So in this case, the fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) did create a new reality - a breakdown in communication, withholding of love, and a near break up.

Brad: That is such a great example of how fear and our ego works. Can you imagine that if this couple understood how the ego worked, how this whole scenario might have been prevented? In every situation in which the ego presents itself, we have choices. We can see the ego for what it is or we can grab onto it and sink down into the muck of it. Seeing how the process works can give us tremendous freedom. With choice comes freedom. And with freedom comes a building of our self esteem, more love can come in and greater connection to Spirit is forged.

Jan: And something can also be said for developing compassion for ourselves because we might fall prey again and again to operating as an ego. If we can forgive ourselves for ego driven behavior (arguing, shutting down, or having hurtful thoughts or opinions about someone) then we can walk out of the fear more and more often, and get back to love. The process actually becomes easier with time and practice. As you said, Brad, awareness is the key. Hopefully, we can all begin to see our human egos for exactly what they are and make a conscious choice to live in a higher fashion with Spirit as our guide and role model.

With great love and blessings,
Brad and Jan