Honoring Men's Journeys
Originally published in Women's LifeStyle, June 2003

As we sat around the circle, 27 women strong, the conversation turned to the men in our lives. The setting was a women’s weekend at an area resort and we had left our men home to tend hearth and home. One woman who appeared to be in her late twenties asked the definitive question: “Why don’t men do things like this?” Why was it that men seemed resistant to, in her opinion, to engage in personal and spiritual growth. Heads nodded in agreement and bewilderment. They looked to me as the group leader for their answer.

After a few moments of reflection, I offered that, yes, it did appear to be true that men were not noticeably present at personal or spiritual growth workshops and that most of the #1 New York Times bestsellers in this area of interest were indeed purchased by women. Heads nodded in agreement once again.

Before I could continue on, one attendee blurted out, “But how do we get them to do this stuff? It’s so frustrating!” Murmurs of assent were heard around the circle.

I went on to explain what I perceived to be the rub here: If personal and spiritual growth is so desirable and good for us, why are men not eager to join in?

When I asked my partner, Brad, (who I consider to be a very enlightened, “in touch” man) about this his response was, “Jan, we just don’t know how. And we don’t know that we even want to.”

As women mature, walking through their life journeys, they inevitably question who it is they are. Our identities are always changing. We are single, then married, childless then mothers, making choices between care giving and working outside of the home. Due to women’s roles changing and opening to new vistas, we are constantly in a state of change or growth, wondering from one stage to the next ‘Who am I now?’ It appears that men’s roles are more constant, societally defined from the beginning and deeply enmeshed in cultural and genetic programming to provide, take care of, and produce. Men feel they know who they are. It’s pretty straightforward to them what they need to do and how they must go about doing it.

Because women have a tendency to be constantly self-monitoring (focused on feelings, based in intuition), we are naturally drawn to personal and spiritual growth. For men to do so does not come naturally. To ask ‘Why?’ all the time may seem unimportant to them. To expect a man to get excited about diving into his feelings or tapping into his intuition may be like speaking a foreign language. If those things are not nurtured from childhood (or prominent in one’s genetic makeup) then how in the world can we ask them to show great enthusiasm about dealing with them? It’s like expecting a dog to get excited about learning how to meow. Does that even make sense? The funny thing is that when we make the offer to the men in our lives to explore feelings or growth issues, we get completely disappointed when they don’t jump on the bandwagon and share our excitement. Maybe we would be better served to remember that they might not want to meow like we do.

Does that mean that men can’t engage in personal or spiritual growth? Absolutely not, but my partner, Brad, reminds me that men do speak a different language. A man’s world, he shares, is very physical; he experiences his world in physical terms and a concrete reality. In his “doing” he can experience feelings and connection. This is especially prevalent in men who enjoy nature. Ask any man who has spent a great deal of time in the out-of-doors or on adventures in the wild. He may be able to explain in his own language about the depth of his experience, of meaning making, of connection with a higher sense of self. Isn’t this personal/spiritual growth?

It is also worthy to note that men often experience emotions differently than women. Simply put, emotions exist and there may be no need to plummet to the depths to explore them. For example, love. Many women I speak to are unsure of their partner’s love or devotion. It doesn’t seemed to be outwardly demonstrated to their satisfaction. But if you would take a moment and ask this man what he truly feels for this woman, a look of puzzlement may come over his face as he shares, “Well, of course, I love her. Are you kidding?” Love, to this man, just is. It exists, plain and simple. Do we need to psychoanalyze it or ask all the whys about it?

I would also add, as I shared with the women in the circle that evening, that one can never “force” growth on another. Readiness is key. Did someone force them into personal/spiritual growth? My guess is, no. Life just handed them situations and the opportunities came naturally to begin the questioning/answering process we know as growth. Neither can we force our partners to engage in activities that they are not inclined to engage in (due to timing or societal conditioning). What I advised the women in the circle that morning to do was continue to do the work of self—to continue to grow themselves in the ways that Spirit was leading them. In doing so, they would become excellent role models for others to do the same. If we are naturally following our own lead to become higher versions of ourselves, others will inevitably follow. As we change, the reality is, that those around us change as well, though maybe not in ways that we expect or even desire, but that’s another column.

It’s June, and in honor of men and fathers who are on life journeys that we may be struggling to understand, it seems appropriate to honor their journeys, holding them compassionately in our hearts, giving thanks that they serve as wonderful dads and life partners. Maybe, with love and patience, we can learn to speak each other’s language a little better. Maybe barking and meowing isn’t all that different after all. Just perception makes it so.