Friends and Lovers:
Can Your Husband or Partner Really Be Your Best Friend?
Originally published in Women's LifeStyle, February 2005

"Partnership from the heart does not dominate or subjugate, but invites us into becoming more fully who we are at our sacred core."
—Sue Patton Thoele

I love my girlfriends and I bet you do too. You can always rely on them to be there when the going gets tough, with a sturdy but comforting shoulder to lean on, and just the right thing to say.

But if the truth be told, I always longed for a partner, a mate, who could fill the same shoes. I could just imagine the sweetness of having a hubby who could listen, hold me tenderly and dispense words of wisdom when needed. Who was THE one to run to when life dragged me down, the first one to call when life threw me a delightful surprise and I wanted to celebrate. I pondered whether it was even realistic to hope that a life partner could be your best friend too.

I remember the day I first witnessed this delicious possibility. My friend Cathy was an 'old married lady' of twenty five years. Each morning, before their day began, she and her husband Joe chatted about their schedules and hopes for the day, and wished each other well. They'd call each other frequently throughout the day to catch up on any late breaking news. Every evening they'd curl up in bed and would share each significant moment of their day, reflect together for an hour or so, and always end with an "I love you." They were so incredibly dedicated to and supportive of one another it took my breath away. They were obviously best friends and as I witnessed their pleasure in one another, I knew that what I have come to call 'sacred partnership' was a real possibility.

Today, at age 51, I am blessed to say that my husband is my best friend and I am his. How did our marriage turn into a feast of friendship? I invited him to contemplate upon this with me, so the words shared here are a result of our mutual pondering, the realizations we've come to along the way.

Relationships Are for Your Personal and Spiritual Growth.

We believe when two people come together in partnership, they come together to grow into their highest selves possible. Given this, it's a natural occurrence that all your 'stuff' will come out and be brought to the surface. You will 'push each other's buttons,' so to speak, so each person can develop a deeper awareness of themselves. Your partner can reflect back to you where you are strong or weak, gifted or flawed, and most importantly, where you need to grow. Your partner can see things in you that you might be blinded to. They can see your 'stuff' better than you can.

Your Relationship Must be Rooted in Deep Love and Respect for One Another.

We're not talking about an ego-based relationship here (i.e. "Isn't he handsome; he thinks I'm gorgeous."), but one whose bedrock is shared beliefs, core values and life dreams. You are committed to each other's growth. You are truly 'helpmates' to one another (not adversaries as we see in so many relationships) as you maneuver life's pathways. In other words, you must be 'unconditional' with one another. This means you love each other warts and all, and are thrilled that you're side by side to witness those warts and, if appropriate, remove them—together! It may sound silly, but I think that Shrek and Fiona had it down pat. If a couple of ogres can love each other into wholeness, we can too!

Truth Telling is Essential to True Friendship.

We're not talking about asking the question of your partner, 'Do I look fat in this dress?' We're talking about having a safe place to ask self-revealing questions that bring one to greater growth. 'Am I being selfish?' 'Am I being close-minded?' 'Did I do the right thing?' If the foundation upon which you've built your relationship rests upon trust, your partner can answer gently, but honestly, and not be afraid of your response. You'll do the same for them because you trust one another and only desire the best for them. Your relationship is a protected place, a sacred space for you to be vulnerable and open, where you learn and grow, as individuals and as a couple. When you think about what you truly desire in any significant relationship, who would want dishonesty, covering up or withholding to be the keys to the house of love? The honesty that emanates from one partner's heart to another, can be the light that illuminates the path to greater self-awareness.

Allowing the Person to Learn and Grow in Their Own Time

One of the hallmarks of couples who love and grow in friendship together is that they allow the other to bloom in their own way, in their own timing. Sometimes when we reflect back to our partner what we see, they are not ready to hear what we have to say. That is OK! Just allow the spirit of the relationship to flow—in other words, don't dam up the love because they don't hear what you think they need to hear. Readiness is key. Openness is essential. The old Chinese adage applies here: When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. You just may have shown up as the teacher a little early! Trust that the day WILL come when your honest and caring reflections will be heard and a step toward healing taken. It's not unlike parenting, when we point out to our child the road we think they should be taking, but they choose to take a detour. In time, they usually come back, don't they, the prodigal son or daughter, and admit you were right. Aren't you glad you didn't withdraw your love, because here they are back again, ready to receive it?

Not just Valentine's Day, but every day of the year, I feel doubly blessed to have a husband who is my best friend: who loves me unconditionally, is truthful when the occasion is right, honors my growth journey and its timing, and companions me every step of the way. I know beyond a doubt that this is available to every single one of us, if we set the intention to create it, and surrender to Love which can create all things anew.

Recommended reading:

Heart Centered Marriage: Fulfilling Our Natural Desire for Sacred Partnership by Sue Patton Thoele

If the Buddha Married: Creating Enduring Relationships on a Spiritual Path by Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D