The Healing Power of Forgiveness
Originally published in Women's LifeStyle, December 2002

In February, our thoughts naturally turn to love. Many of us hold idealized versions in our minds of how love should be, unrealistic notions that can actually impede love’s unfolding. A bonded relationship between two people can indeed overflow with the romance and delight portrayed in books and movies. Yet, if we are honest in our perceptions, we should be able to admit that there are plenty of prickly thorns amidst the roses in that Valentine’s Day bouquet we call intimate relationship.

One of the thorns which many of us struggle with is forgiveness. We associate forgiveness with giving in, relinquishing some hurt or source of anger for the sake of peacemaking. In doing so, it may feel like in the forgiving we are giving up a part of ourselves to rectify the situation. In this case, forgiveness may indeed look quite thorny. What if we could shift our perception of forgiveness, revealing the beauteous gift within, a rose of our own making? Can we look at the act of forgiveness in a new light?

In my own life, I often found myself stubbornly holding to my point of view when a point of conflict would arise. It was so important to be right! I would dig in my heels. Not surprisingly arguments would arise, for if one or both partners passionately holds to what they believe to be “right,” there is little room for forgiveness to find its way. Grudges and resentment could build and over time a great sludgy mess would have been created.

Another pattern I often found myself in was to tire of the ensuing conflict and just plain give in to get it over with. To self-sacrifice what I knew to be true for me for the sake of peace, did not result in peace either, but more resentment. Over time, either of these patterns could be quite destructive to any relationship. Forgiveness in this way, was not a possibility.

Today I view the act of forgiveness very differently. It is no longer, “giving in” or “giving up.” It is “letting go.” Letting go of my need to be right. Letting go of my need to have the last word. Letting go of my need to convince someone of my point of view. And most importantly, it is not letting someone else off the hook.

That seems to me to be the primary roadblock to a new understanding of forgiveness. We believe on some level that by forgiving someone we are letting them off easy. They have hurt us or committed what we perceive to be a wrongful act. So if we forgive them, it somehow condones what they did or diminishes the power of the act in some way.

A friend of mine, Eldonna Edwards Bouton, authored a book whose key tenet is forgiveness (Loose Ends: A Journaling Tool for Tying Up the Incomplete Details of Your Life and Heart). She describes the act of forgiving in this way:

“Imagine the person that you cannot forgive as someone who once held a fishing pole. They’ve set down the pole and gone on to other things, perhaps even hurting others. In the meantime, you are still floundering in the murky waters of the past, snagged on their hook. As long as you are spending precious energy resenting, hating and being angry, you will be unable to swim freely. What I am asking you to do is gently remove the hook that keeps you entangled in the past.”

In this way, forgiveness is not letting someone else off the hook, it is letting yourself off the hook. Isn’t that a wonderful way to look at forgiveness?

Knowing this, couldn’t it be much easier to forgive someone? If the situation in question is not about being right or even retribution, but about personal freedom, wouldn’t that make all the difference in the world? For me, it has. Today when I find myself in a difference of opinion about something or a perceived hurt, I have the choice of how to look at it. I can expend much emotional energy trying to prove myself right or make someone else see the “wrongness” of what they did. Or I can let the situation go, release myself from its emotional intensity, and move on.

This is not to say that in many situations it is very right to stand up for what we know to be good and true. Or that justice should be served; wrongdoing brought to light. That goes without saying. But in many other situations, we waste precious time and energy attempting to make someone see the error of their ways, because after all, can we ever really change anybody? The only person we can change or have control over is us, and when we engage in forgiveness we are gifting ourselves with personal freedom. By forgiving, I am free to let go and move on to the next enlightening experience. Seen in an even broader light, an act of forgiveness is an act of healing. Granting forgiveness to another may just be the greatest act of self-love and self-healing we can perform.

Forgiveness is not as easy thing by any means. By not forgiving we continue to add to our own sack of pain that we carry with us from day to day. Why not lighten the load and lay down those grudges and resentments of great weight, and walk more lightly through life? One of my goals in 2002 is to forgive any and all who need forgiving in my life. In doing so, I will dance through this new year, a much lighter, brighter woman. How about you?